I Hate My Life
by Kitty Burglar
Summary: Seriously, it sucks. Have you ever had your uncle use your pet owl to blow his nose? Or have some guy say he'll be your friend only to take it back? Or have a snake refuse to eat your cousin? Or- you know what, I'll just shut up now.
1. Chapter 1

The most terrible thing about being a boy hero is...?

Well you see, there's a huge list. I actually have it written down somewhere, but I'm pretty sure Uncle Vernon used it as toilet paper.

That's right, gasp. I'm Harry Potter. Oooooh!

But yeah. If I still had that list, Uncle Vernon using it as toilet paper would definitely be on it. And that time he used my homework as toilet paper. And the time he blew his nose on Hedwig. (He almost got his eyes clawed out, I had to send her to Ron for the rest of that summer.)

You know, now that I think about it, what is with Vern using my things to wipe his orifices? Like, really. There's lots of tissues everywhere in this house, and yet you choose to drag yourself up to my room, unlock the bazillion locks, and blow my nose on my owl? It's absurd.

I mean, well... At least he's not using _me._ No, that's Dudley. He gets colds so often, and apparently my hair serves as the perfect snot-rag. Gross.

Wait. Do you really want to be hearing about this?

I didn't think so. Sorry, but I had to send Hedwig off to Ron's again, Uncle dearest tried to use her as toilet paper (again). You're the only one I've got to vent to.

God my life sucks. (I mean Merlin, _I'm so sorry._ )

You know, I fantasize every day about mailing Voldemort and asking him to please slaughter my relatives.

But why don't you do that then?! You say. (Can you tell I'm making you sound uppity? Because you have no mouth here, ha. Ha, ha.)

Well maybe it's because _I don't feel like becoming evil and joining the dark side!_ Not even if he's my father.

You know, it just occured to me that, what with this nattering on, I haven't even started telling the story yet.

Or maybe there isn't one! That'll show the readers, ha. Read all of this, just for no story... Boo hoo.

Fine, so there is one. G-Merlin, I mean.


	2. Chapter 2

Right, so! On to the story. The magnificent, beautiful story that will make you cry tears of joy. The story that can do no wrong. The story to make lesser stories tremble in it's wake. The story whose beauty sailed one thousand ships!

Annnddd... Here it goes!

Starting Now!

Now.

NOW!

There was a huge, booming crash from downstairs. "HAAARRRYYY!" Dudley roared.

On my bed, I rolled my eyes. "Oh my Merlin, not again." What had he tried to blow his nose on this time, the neighbour's cactus?

Dudley came rumbling up the stairs. Every time a foot fell the entirety of Number 4 trembled beneath his mass.

He stopped outside my door and began pawing at the many locks. Eagerly, I got into a runner's stance. Hey, I may not be athletic, but I can certainly run circles around the Dursleys.

The door swung open, and I raced for it...

Only to bounce off of dearest Dudder's stomach.

I ran at him again, determined that I would escape. I climbed up his vast bulk like a tailless monkey. I may have clawed at him as well, and kicked him in the nethers. Just as I was scrambling over his head, I was grabbed.

And used as a hankerchief.

Parrrp!

"Duddy-kins! Come on, dear, it's time to leave!" Aunt Petunia shrilled from downstairs.

Dudley turned away and threw me on the ground. "Ah, that's better," he sighed. The door slammed shut behind him, and I heard him begin to do up all the locks again. "Coming, Mum!" he bellowed. Where on earth could they be going in this heat? I wondered.

I scowled, and gingerly felt my hair. It was full of fresh snot. And old boogies to, I hadn't been allowed to shower all summer, water restrictions, you know how it is. I picked myself up off the floor. I looked out my window to see the Dursley's pulling out of the driveway. Finally, some peace! If only for a few hours. Oh well, I'd just have to apply myself.

What could I possibly do to escape this hell hole? I had been used as a hankerchief too many times. All the neglect, little food, and endless chores weren't helping either, I assure you. I had to escape and do my homework!

Ugh, I disgust myself sometimes.

I pulled up the loose floorboard under my bed, and felt around in the crawlspace for some cake. Mrs. Weasley had been kind enough to listen to my pleas for food (Dudley had gone on a diet again) and had sent me an enormous chocolate cake for my birthday. She hadn't made any effort to rescue me though. Oh well, I'd have to do that myself.

I munched on the last piece of cake. It was getting rather stale, and the crumbs stuck in my throat.

GAAK GAKK GAK! I coughed. Crumbs came flying out of my mouth and landed on the floor.

I looked mournfully in the crawlspace and shrugged. Oh well. Now that the cake and the Dursleys were gone, I'd really have to put my mind to becoming Houdini and not lay around being a snot-rag. I pulled up a few more floorboards. I stuck them against the wall and wriggled my way into the crawlspace. It was very dark in here, I thought to myself. I crawled away from the hole in my floor, careful not to hit any nails. Once I had found a suitable spot, I began testing the ceiling for loose boards.

I was quite surprised I hadn't thought of this before! But then again, lack of cake does make one desperate! Even if it had only been a few minutes.

I managed to find a board that seemed a bit rickety. I stomped on it, somehow working up enough force to make it fall to the ground below. It was kind of weird actually, seeing as how I couldn't jump up and down on it or anything. I lowered myself down through the hole. I looked around.

I hadn't exactly put much thought into my great escape, if you can't tell, and unfortunately there were no motorbikes for me to ride around the countryside on. Mind you, there were no Nazis chasing me, either. I considered that a plus.

My ill-planned escape would have to happen in the broad daylight, while the Dursley's were busy out around town. I shrugged. Since they were out doing whatever it was they did outside of this rotten hell hole, it didn't matter. I sauntered towards the cupboard under the stairs to get my things. Since I didn't want to be expelled, I wouldn't be able to use magic, so I'd have to leave my trunk here, but I could certainly take my Nimbus and cloak. And my wand too of course, I mean why on earth would I leave that here, it would be such a bad idea. The Dursley's might break it, it would be totally in character for them.

The cupboard wasn't locked, which was strange. I raised my eyebrows. Whatever. I grabbed my Nimbus, and rooted around in my trunk for my wand and cloak. I was just pulling it out when I heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. The doors opened, and the house juddered slightly as Uncle Vernon and Dudley got out.

Well, I mused, that didn't take very long. Or maybe I took more time than I thought. I tugged the cloak over my head, clutching my wand to my chest. I mounted my broom, ready to race out the front door as soon as Vernon and Dudley stopped blocking it with their bulk.

 _STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP._ Uncle Vern and Dudders made their way to the front door. I could barely hear Aunt Petunia's shrill voice over the sound of them huffing and puffing. I grimaced. If they didn't lose some weight soon, Aunt Petunia would surely survive them both.

The door creaked open, and Uncle Vernon somehow managed to squeeze through. I was surprised that he didn't have to turn sideways.

Hey, maybe that explains the door replacement last month. Now don't get me wrong! I have nothing against fat people! But you have to admit, there is a point where it gets unhealthy, and Uncle Vernon and Dudley have long since passed that point. My dearest cousin is the size of a baby killer whale. And Uncle... well, I'm having a hard time finding the words. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if he dropped dead of a heart attack.

As soon as my relatives had cleared the door, I was off!

Unfortunately, Aunt Petunia closed it before I could fly through.

BANG! I caromed off the door, landing dazed and in a heap on the floor.

Aunt Petunia shrieked, and I winced. Damn, that woman had a voice like a harpy. Uncle Vernon drew in breath to yell as his face turned a mottled, angry shade of red.

I leapt to my feet, threw open the door, and ran unsteadily down the street.

And thus, my criminal career began.

Well no, what actually happened was that I got on my Nimbus and flew to Ron's. But me being a criminal would make things interesting, wouldn't it?


	3. Chapter 3

Unfortunately, I had no idea where Ron lived.

You would think that I would – I mean, he's my best mate, for crying out loud! But no. You see, last year we spent Christmas in Hogwarts, all of us, brewing polyjuice. Last summer the twins rescued me in the dead of night in the Ford Anglia. I couldn't see where we were going. It was dark.

So, in a nutshell, I had no idea where Ron lived. Did I repeat myself? Whatever.

And now I was flying around the countryside looking for him. Probably not the best idea, I'd been seeing lots of flyers with this crazy madman on them who had recently escaped from prison. Sirius Black, they called him. I doubted our paths would ever intersect, considering that he'd probably get caught soon and I had become transient for until school started.

I hoped I didn't jinx myself by saying that.

Eh, who was I kidding? Sirius Black was probably off doing whatever it was that mass-murderers escaped from prison did.

I swooped low over a forest that had snuck up on me without me noticing. I could rest here for a bit, although I did not remember it being here a few minutes ago. Zoned out again, I guess. I hurtled through the trees. I was probably going a bit fast, actually. So I pulled up sharply.

There was a pained yelp. I had somehow managed to hit a large dirty black dog. Just my luck. I groaned, and dismounted my broom, pulling off my invisibility cloak. I find it best to fly concealed.

"Aww, did I fly into you, puppy? I'm sorry. I really do need to pay more attention to where I'm going."

The dog got to its feet, wobbling a bit. It took a look at me, and then it ran over, planted its huge paws (seriously they were ginormous) on my chest, and licked me in the face.

"Eeeewwww!" I shrieked, embarrassingly high. I flailed, and shoved the dog off. "Gross!"

The dog looked at me. It almost seemed apologetic. It crowded against me, thankfully staying on the ground this time, and stuck its head under my hand.

"Alright, alright," I grumbled. "I hope you don't have fleas or anything."

The dog barked. Unfortunately, I couldn't tell if it was a yes bark or a no bark, because I don't speak dog. Only English and parseltongue.

I thought for a minute. "I'm going to call you, um... um..." I tried desperately to think of a name. Any name. And then it came to me! The man on all the wanted flyers!

"Sirius!" I said happily. "Yeah, that's a good name."

The dog, Sirius, was definitely giving me an are-you-serious look right now.

"To bad, pal," I said. "It's official now."

I looked around. "Say, is there anything to eat around here?"

Sirius barked.

"I'll take that as a no. Damn, I really should have thought of this before I left the Dursley's," I cursed my own shortsightedness. I turned to Sirius. "You're a dog, right? So you can, I don't know, smell out civilization?"

Sirius stared at me, incredulously I thought, and then began to run away.

"Hey! Where are you going?! Wait for me!"

He stopped and barked something at me (again, I don't speak dog) and then continued.

"I can't believe this," I groused to myself. I mounted my broom and stuffed my cloak down my shirt. I managed to catch up Sirius quite quickly. "I've got a Nimbus, you know," I said smugly. "It's quite fast. Manoeuvrable, too."

I thought I saw Sirius roll his eyes, but it was probably just my overactive imagination.

He ran. I flew. He ran. I flew. He ran. I – you know what, I'll just say that we continued in this vein until we arrived at a town.

Which we did. Eventually.

'Gloucester," I read on the sign. "I've never been here before!"

It had gotten dark by now, and I was even more lost than before. I was pretty sure that Gloucester was in the west, but I hadn't studied any geography beyond year 5 in primary school, and we'd never covered it in Hogwarts. I wondered where I could stay for the night. Homelessness wasn't exactly and inviting prospect. Perhaps I shouldn't have run away from the Dursley's?

Nah.

"Hey, Sirius-" but he wasn't there.

I looked around. Where could he have gone? But I couldn't see any large black dogs in sight.

"Harry, is that you?" An incredulous, familiar voice said.

"Hey Hermione. How's it going?"

Hermione scowled at me. "Harry, everyone's been worried sick! There's a mass-murderer about, you know."

"Yeah, I've seen the flyers."

"The – the," she sputtered. "Harry, he's a wizard! He's escaped from Azkaban! What if he tries to kill you? He was one of You – Know – Who's most fanatic followers! A crazed, murderous maniac hell – bent on slaughtering you and your parents! One of the most dangerous wizards alive! The only person to have ever escaped Azkaban!" She had fallen into an impassioned rant, her voice growing ever higher and louder. 

I winced. "Hermione, please. My ears."

The red started to fade from her cheeks. "Oh, right. Sorry," she said in a more normal tone of voice. I gingerly removed my fingers from my ears.

"You have _got_ to learn to control your voice," I stated.

"I know that!"

" _Merlin_ , Hermione, what did I just say!"

"Sorry," she scowled. She brightened up. "You should come back with me, meet my parents. They're here for a dental conference, you know."

"And you're just out taking a walk by yourself while a 'crazed, murderous maniac' is at large?"

She looked away from me. "It was stuffy in the hotel and I wanted some air, so I snuck out. Anyways." She steadfastly ignored me grinning from ear to ear. "Come on," she said. "It really can't be safe, especially for you of all people."

She was definitely implying that I was a thrill seeker, wasn't she?

The hotel that Hermione and were family were staying at was quite large, impressively so. When I told her this, Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's a country-wide dentist conference, what did you expect?" She asked rhetorically.

I shrugged, and didn't respond.

The dentist conference was not full of boring nerds with good teeth like I expected it to be. Instead, it was full of utterly average people. If anything this was worse, because now I couldn't marvel at their nerdiness.

Hermione dragged me across the floor towards an utterly average couple. Seriously, there was nothing interesting about them at all. Perhaps Hermione got her hair from the milkman, because these two sure didn't have it.

"Harry, these are my parents!" She said excitedly.

"I never would have guessed." Really, I wouldn't have. They looked nothing like her.

She was busy introducing me to her parents. I didn't bother remembering their names, as I was certain that I'd never meet them again anyway.

I zoned back in again in time to catch Hermione's dad say something along the lines of, 'go up to the room and get out of our faces, we're busy doing important dentist socializing.'

Not quite like that, but you get the idea.

So Hermione led me up to their room. She was being chatty, so I tuned her out. "Yeah," I said when I heard her ask me something.

"...Harry, I asked you what you thought about Sirius Black's escape."

"You know, I had a dog named Sirius."

She looked at me, puzzled. "So?"

"He ran away. I don't want to talk about it anymore! Just leave me alone!"

I ran off down the corridor. Except, I had forgotten that I didn't know where the hotel room was. I returned, doing my best to walk in a dignified manner.

"That was so melodramatic of you," Hermione remarked, and ruined everything.

I scowled fiercely. "Oh, shut up."


End file.
